August 10, 2010

August 10, 2010

Still waking up feeling awful. I feel like its beyond a struggle to get up and get going. But I do wake up on my own now with no need for an alarm or having Melanie come in and wake me up. Sleep comes much faster on these horribly disgusting pills. They don't really knock me out because I can take one and stay up for as long as I want without too many yawns... but I can lay down and pretty much go to sleep right away, which for me is a blessing. My dreams are vivid. Awful. Flashy. Bright. Rough. I don't like them at all. I wake up a few times during the night but fall back asleep and luckily into a new and different dream. I seem to be waking up around 530am each morning hoping I can fall back to sleep... and I do. I can feel the medicine wearing off during the day... usually around noon. I start to feel edgy. Misplaced. Unguided. Unhappy. Tonight I was over the top again. I could feel it but couldn't stop it. I was constantly snapping at Melanie and for no good reason. I'm trying to stop that... but can't seem to. It's kind of like when you start your car but you keep turning the key and the engine keeps squealing, but you don't stop because you just can't. I can't. But I try. I guess the good thing is, is that I am able to notice it now. I didn't before, not until it was over. Not until Melanie was in bed or my fight with my mom was over. But now I can feel it when it is happening.

I feel like I have a giant label on me. Not that anyone can see it, but it's like a neon sign above me that only I can see. It's sort of like walking around in shoes that are too heavy for your feet and the shoes are the Bipolar. I want to take them off and walk more freely, but they just don't come off. I guess I will eventually get used to the idea of having a mental illness but I don't see how. No one knows about it except me, mom, Tricia (I assume Cat) and Kerry. No one else needs to know until I know how to cope with this. How do you cope with this?????????????

I had a full day with Melanie yesterday. I tried to pack in as many things as I could because I had worked 7 days in a row. It was a good day. A very good day. I wore her out and actually had to wake her up this morning so that I wouldn't miss my few minutes that I do have with her in the mornings.

How did I ever make it through clinicals? I was so dang scared the whole time, every second of the day. I enjoyed it, actually I loved it. It was thrilling and I had a high all day from being in surgery. No one knew that inside I was on the edge every second of the day. Being responsible for someones life is huge and I miss it. I miss the fear, the joy, the high that only comes with being in an OR with a patient on the table completely vulnerable. Every second of every day I had the power that is too great to describe. How do you describe to your friends and family why there is such great joy in doing a Temporal Lobectomy?? They don't understand and there is no way to explain how amazingly powerful it can make you feel to hold parts of the brain that have been taken out to help the patient live a more normal life with Epilepsy. I can't wait to go back. I wonder if these meds will help with the edginess in the OR?

On Friday I start taking 2 pills a day. One at night and one in the morning. I know it will help even me out after noon (which seems to be my more manic time) but I can't help but wonder what the side effects are going to be.

On Tuesday (next Tuesday) I will go to my first support group over at USF. Mom is going with me. "They" say to bring a family member so they can better understand the illness and help you through it better. Honestly, I need someone there or I don't think I could go. I need to see other people who are "thriving" with Bipolar and the medications. I know it's a good 2nd step (the 1st being going to the doctor) but no one wants to tell a group of people they have a mental illness.

I keep thinking about what I am eventually going to tell Melanie. For now she doesn't need to know because she is way too young to understand. But someday I will have to tell her and that scares the daylights out of me. I think she can tell that there is something different about me already. I hope that when I do tell her she won't judge me. So much of this is for her.

I'm still very sore. Every joint in my body hurts and aches. Very typical side effect of the medicine. It's supposed to disappear within the first month or two. I feel physically weak too. It's very hard for me to pick the baby up. I hate that even more than the achy joints. I am also getting the constant hunger. I'm not eating anymore than normal but I always feel like I could eat whatever is put in front of me and not have any regret. I am also getting the emotional side effect. That one just sucks. I feel very hormonal 24 hours a day. Not in a bad way... but in the watching a Hallmark commercial and crying way.

I so badly just want someone to fix me. I know that can never happen and I know I have to stay on this medicine (and more than likely there will be more to come) otherwise I will have an episode. Episode?? That's a nice way of putting it. It's hard to convince yourself that things will be okay, especially when the annoying arguing thoughts in my head say otherwise. The "thoughts" are still there. It's almost like they are a separate person from me. They are a tad bit evil. Constantly in my head making me feel crazy (literally). I wish these pills made them go to sleep... but no luck. I hate these "thoughts" and they know it. I know it. I guess since I know it they know it... but they do feel separated from me. From my real self. My new real self. They have been different since I started on the medication. Not better and not worse, just different. But I still argue with them and they still argue with each other. If anyone could see in my brain they would see something that resembled Alice In Wonderland. All messed up, crazy, very backwards but very colorful and quite pretty. Nothing would make sense in my brain to anyone else, but to me it is very logical. My thoughts are like Alice. Displaced and searching for a way out but each route leads to another wacky misadventure.