August 13, 2010

August 13, 2010

Not a good day. It wasn't awful but I couldn't shake the groggy feeling until after 4pm. Usually it wears off by noon at the latest but not today. I start on 2 pills a day today. I guess we will see how it goes. I really just hope it doesn't knock me for a loop... but I know I need the second pill. I snapped a little at Melanie tonight. Not as bad as usual but it's still not good. The big hopes for this next week is that the 2nd pill will take that feeling away and I won't have the episodes in the evening. Mom has taken a real strong interest in Bipolar. That makes me feel good. This isn't something to be over looked. It takes more than just the sufferer to get through this. I'm sure we will still have our ups and downs and I know she will never fully understand what I am going through but the fact that she is trying is really nice. We both have watched shows on Bipolar and I know she is researching it on the internet as well. I guess a "goal" for me is to not end up having to be hospitalized for this. I suppose that is a long term goal. The short term goals see harder. Take my pill(s) everyday. Make the conscience effort to realize my episodes and to try and stay calm during them. Another long term goal for me is to learn what my "triggers" are. There are millions of them so narrowing down my own will take time and patience on my families behalf. Once I know them I am supposed to try and stay away from them. Easier said than done for some of them. Triggers are what literally trigger an episode. Mainly I seem to have the manic episodes. The low episodes don't seem to come until after a few manic ones. It's like remorse for doing what I do. It's basically depression but in a different way. Low episodes for me last much longer than a manic one, but I really tend to have a weeks worth of manic episodes little bits at a time and then the depression sets in. It's not a typical depression in normal terms, but a self-loathing type.

Seeing so many people being hospitalized for this is heart breaking. I don't want to end up there. It may happen and it may not, but knowing it is an option is pretty intense. I think at times in the past I should have been. The hospital stays are for safety. They monitor every moment of your life and keep you safe when you need it the most. It's not a vacation, it's pretty hard on your body because they do tend to sedate you. I think (I hope) if that I were ever at the point again I would go willingly.

I've been talking to mom more about the family. It seems that my grandfather may have been Bipolar. From what she says he had the manic and low episodes. If only people knew more back then, maybe he would have been saved by medication. Not saved from passing away... but from himself. I'm not sure if its comforting or not to know that he may have had it but Bipolar is believed to be hereditary and that would explain my "link".

I have decided not to medicate Melanie right now for ADHD. We are not ready for that. I need to get myself in a calmer more level place before I can say that medication is a must. She has already shown signs of calming down a bit since I have started my meds. If I can level out maybe that will even her out a tiny bit. Knowing now that I was not ADD growing up pisses me off. I keep feeling like "why didn't someone catch this". It isn't an excuse or a way to place blame but I really think my life would have been much different if I had been able to work out my demons at a younger age.

The joint pain is still pretty bad. Today it was worse. I'm still feeling very weak. I barely made it through work today. I felt weighted down all day. I can only hope this passes soon. It won't discourage me from taking my meds (even though I still hate them) because I know, I can feel, that they are working.

I keep thinking about things I enjoy. Many websites tell you to picture what you enjoy doing and try doing those things when you feel you are having or have had an episode. But the more I keep thinking of these things the more I giggle that they are exactly how my mind feels to me. Racing... going around in circles at high speeds and never actually getting anywhere. Science Fiction... beautiful worlds filled with adventure and math. Disney... a place created on childish beliefs and fairytales. Animals... or as I call them, the innocents... creatures that are constantly at battle with outside forces just to maintain a breathing life force. Fashion... a "world" filled with colors and designs and totally bizarre ideas. Math... ah... math... my stable friend. It never changes. It is what it is and it doesn't apologize. It's a beautiful language filled with numbers, letters and signs that can only lead to one answer. Sometimes I think of math problems to do in my head while waiting on things. Nerdy... but fun!!!

Referring back to Alice In Wonderland, right now I feel that is the best way to describe my brain (and thoughts). My life prior to medication was Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Right now I have landed on the floor but am trying to get the combination of treat and potion to get me through the door. Soon I will find my way through Wonderland and all of its oddities and eventually (when I am level) will wake up right where I should be with the past behind me and a new beginning. But for now I have to settle with being an Alice or Dorothy and thats okay... because they were always the fun ones!!!!