August 13, 2010

August 14, 2010

It's the 2nd day for me taking 2 pills a day. I only thought I didn't like the pills once a day... twice a day sucks pretty bad. Not only am I still having weakness and joint pain but now with the 2nd pill I can't seem to find any motivation during the day. I feel very lop-sided. It's very depressing to feel that way. My mom has been very good about listening and has been supportive. I feel bad that I have to burden her with all of this but I don't have anyone else in the world to talk to. It's hard admitting to her how I feel. I think it's eventually going to freak her out or something. I feel like I need something but I don't know what it is. It's like trying to remember what you were going to say right after you forgot it. I keep searching my brain for what it is that I need but always come up empty handed.

I keep hearing the new George Strait song. It's about not living life for the breaths you take but for the moments that take your breath away. My dad really liked George Strait. I never did until my dad passed away. Odd, but now I hear his songs in a new way. This particular song always gets to me. It's about a father who knows what life really is all about and teaches his son the lesson about moments that take your breath away. At the end the dad shows up to the hospital when the son and daughter in law have their baby even though the son told him it was okay not to come. The dad knew, somehow, that the son really did need and want him there. Then, after his granddaughter is born, the sons dad takes his last breath and the son finally realizes that what is dad has been saying is true. I think I like the song because it reminds me of my dad. I know how uncomfortable (physically) my dad was the day my daughter was born... but he was still there. He and my mom were the first ones (besides me and Dylan) to meet Melanie. That's big. Then a few years later in the same hospital my dad took his last breath. It's strange how you can love something so much and hate it all at the same time. That's how I feel about that hospital. I love it because my beautiful daughter was born there but I hate it because my dad died there.

I've been thinking a lot about my dad lately. Guilt is a powerful demon. There is so much guilt in all of us. I think "what ifs" take over too much. He was such a good man and truly loved and adored Melanie. It was like they were made just for each other and then he was torn away from her. Her memories of him are few and far between now. I'm sure the older she gets the more he will become just a polaroid memory. Someone we all talk about and tell her about but nothing that is really her memory. That's a real shame. I've always thought that the only other person who loved her as much as me was my dad. When he was in the hospital there were times when I had to bring her up to see him just so she would eat. I tried not to let anyone know about that (except Amanda) because no one needed to take their focus off of my dad. His last meal was Chicken and broccoli. Melanie ate most of it. He seemed happy that she ate his food.

Why him? I miss him so much. He's always been the fixer. He would have known what to say about my Bipolar. He would be the one to sit with me after mom and the baby go to bed and help me through it. I need him here. I need to talk to him and hear his answers. I need him to explain things on How It's Made. I need him to tell me to back off. I need him to just be here with me again. To sit there late at night watching mindless TV talking about things that no one ever talks to me about. I need to know about my Uncle Tom who my mom and grandmother adored. I need to know how Tricia and I are the same but different to him. I need to know why a racer does what he does on the track. I don't have these answers and so many many many more. I can't fix a light socket. I can't fix a million other things and as much as I try, I can't fix me. Life is the most unfair hand anyone has ever been dealt.

Melanie and I are going to Disney next Friday evening. I'm excited but worried. So many noises and so many people and so many lights. Lots of things to kick off any number of triggers that I have. Mom can't go because she has a prior obligation. I hope the crowds aren't too bad because I'm so afraid of standing in line. I really hate it. I hate being squished in with strangers and a 4 year old. I'm sure it will be just fine... I hope.

I got to watch Melanie video chat with her cousins tonight. Good times. I swear Riley looks like she is 6 years old!!!! So tall and so beautiful. Logan is amazingly tall too! No doubt she'll be taller than Melanie in a few more years. It's neat to look at all 3 of them. So different from each other but so much the same. Logan is (I think) going to be the comic relief of the family. Riley should run for office. She has the gift of gab and explains things very well. She sent a picture to Melanie not too long ago. I was shocked!!! It was stunning and beautiful. She's a real artist. Well above her age range. Here I am trying to get Melanie to put the ears in the right place on a picture and Riley has just blown her out of the water. I guess Melanie didn't inherit her ability to draw from me :) But Melanie sure has some amazing talents of her own. Her vocabulary alone is well above any kid I have met. That makes me happy. Words are expressions and she certainly can express herself. She has a real gift for puzzles too. She can sit down with a new puzzle (made for older kids) and have it done in under 10 minutes. Mathematical brain!!! Yay!!! She gets things quickly, kind of like me. No point in giving her instructions because by the time you are done she's already figured it out. I like that we are similar in that manner. I get a mathematical brain. I don't get a literary brain at all!!!

I think books need pictures. Odd topic, but I was told to write what comes to mind. Children's books have pictures, why not adult's books??? It's hard enough for me to sit down and read (sometimes I have to read a page 3 times because I don't get it the first couple of times....comprehension problem, maybe?) but to read with no pictures is torture. I mainly stick to magazines. Short articles with lots of glossy flossy pictures to occupy my brain. I do love The Number of The Beast by Heinlein. He's so talented at bringing his story to life...even without pictures :)

Melanie is worried about going back to school. She misses Mrs Roberts terribly and is concerned she'll never see her again. I've explained to her over and over again about how she gets a new teacher but she'll still be able to see Mrs. Roberts... but I don't think I'm getting through. I'm going to apply to have Melanie go to Berkely Prep next year. The tuition is crazy expensive but they are the best of the best. They have scholarships and financial aid so I am hoping that she gets in and she gets a scholarship. If she doesn't get either than we will go to Grace Christian starting in 1st grade. It's more local and goodness forbid if anything ever happens I can have Gladys or the Chiarilli's there in 2 minutes until I can get there or until mom can. Either one is a good school, but Berkely is my 1st choice. I'm nervous about the interviews, Mel can be a bit high strung :)

One more day of work and then I get a day off!!!!!! Yay!!!!! It will have been a week since I've had a day off. I need it, Melanie needs it.