3rd DBSA group meeting tonight. It's easier to go now since I know my friends and they now know me too. Interesting people. I don't think that any of us would ever really be friends with each other unless it was for this support group. They are not bad people but we all run in different circles and I doubt our paths would ever cross if it weren't for our meetings. Scott wasn't there tonight so Tony led the meeting. Oh boy! He sure talks a lot!!!! There were 2 new people tonight. One woman in her early 40's and a younger man who had his mother with him. He was highly medicated and I assume he usually is. I can't use names so I will give everyone nicknames if I ever talk about them. The meetings are so good. Knowing that there are others out there who are going through what I am is amazing. I have a group of people who don't think I'm odd or different because to them... I am the same. We all have the racing thoughts. Crazy odd racing thoughts. Thoughts that, even with meds, we can't shut off. I was really hoping that the meds would silence these hated thoughts but it doesn't. I can just see and hear them more clearly now. My dreams are still pretty bad and very vivid. I guess they are getting better but not too much. I've been having the urge to drink lately !?! What is that all about??? I'm totally not a drinker but the cravings are there. I have to constantly remind myself that I am NOT allowed to drink on this medication. It can trigger a manic episode and that would not be good. If I do decide to drink in the future it will have to be in a safe environment. I couldn't go out to dinner and drink... that would be careless and I am trying to avoid that.
I'm trying to overcome this insomnia. It's getting pretty bad again. I find myself up all night (hint... it's 1:32am right now) and not getting enough sleep again. I know I need more sleep but habits are hard to break. I always thought of myself as a night owl... but now I know its insomnia. I want to sleep but I can't. It sucks.
My episodes are fewer... I think. I'm still having them but I do think they are getting better. I'm pretty sure I'm in a mixed mode right now. Depressed because I'm not working full time this week but manic because... well... that's who I am. This medication really makes things clearer. Not always in a good way but at least I don't feel like I live in a cloud now.
Is there hope for me??? Who knows. The anxiety is starting up again. Too many noises. Too many people. Too much stuff around me. Noises seem to be the worst right now. More than one noise and I'm done. I hate silence but I can't take all the noises right now. Most of the noise comes from Wonderland (my brain). Wonderland can't be shut off and when you add more noise to it from the real world I go a little bonkers inside.
The real world??!!?? It does exist. It seems less real than Wonderland but that is because Wonderland never stops. The real world eventually goes to sleep. It's amazing how much safer I feel in Wonderland compared to the real world.
I feel like ever since I was diagnosed things have become better and worse all at the same time. Better because I have a label. I know why I am different and I know there are others, like my support group friends, who are different just like me. But worse because I know what this mental illness is all about. Heck, just knowing you have a mental illness falls under the worse category!!! It is worse because I hate my meds. It is worse because my Wonderland is clear now and I can see how messed up my brain really is. Worse because inside I am screaming and crying and trying to be normal but I know on the outside I never will be. Worse because I now know there is a reason behind the way I have always been and I wish I had been diagnosed years ago. Maybe I would have kept a job or friends or relationships. I try to only look ahead to the future but the past is right there and it's hard to avoid.
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