I haven't noticed any difference on the Zoloft yet. Dr M said it could take up to 2 full weeks to notice the full power of it. I have noticed the side effects. I constantly have a dry mouth and my desire for food is pretty much gone. My throat actually hurt today from being so dry and I couldn't seem to make it go away. The side effects of the Risperidone are still there but getting better. I guess I don't hate it anymore, just the idea of it.
I have been feeling like there is a manic episode coming. I feel it inside. It's not coming out, which is great, but I certainly feel on edge the last couple of days. I don't think it has shown though. I'm going to have to do some research and discuss it with the group to see if this feeling is unusual or not.
"Wonderland" (my brain) is doing the same old things. Lots of racing thoughts. I feel constantly at battle and in struggle with it. Too many thoughts. Thoughts about anything and everything. Nothing harmful or unpleasant but nothing pleasant either. I'm wondering when that stops... or if it ever will. I'm not seeing things, or at least I don't think I am. I don't seem to see the little things that aren't there anymore. That's a bonus.
Craig went to the dr the other day (to dr M). He has severe depression. Mostly environmental. I kind of envy that. Depression (although awful enough) can be made better. I think I am having such a hard time knowing that my mental illness is forever and will more than likely get worse instead of better. Managed under drugs but I'll never be able to be off the drugs. I've heard of the people who feel they are getting better so they go off the meds and then have full blown hypermanic episodes. They didn't get better... the meds were just doing the job they were made to do. I hope I never feel as if I can get off the meds. I know I can't. Ever. I'm sure it will soon just become a part of my daily life but for now I feel like it is overwhelming me. Being Bipolar overwhelms me. But I am so thankful that I have a label of what it is now. I haven't had an episode in a few days. That is a blessing. But I know it's a waiting game. It's a "how long until the next episode" game.
I'm still sorting through what is a trigger for a hypermanic episode for me. I know that one of them is when I feel someone is not defending me in a conversation. Another is being compared to someone else. There are a list of them but most of them do not happen day to day. Noise is one of them. Noise bothers me still. Too many noises really drives me up a wall. But silence is not an option for me. Silence makes the arguing in my head seem louder. Much louder.
The urge to drink is still there... big time. It's just so odd to me, especially since I am not a drinker. But I constantly crave a drink... but not just one... several. It's really driving me up a wall. I keep trying to tell myself that it's only because I can't drink that I want to drink. Drinking on Bipolar meds is bad. Very bad. It can trigger a hypermanic state that can last for hours or days. I keep reminding myself of that. I sure as heck hope this phase passes soon.
I've been trying to avoid saying "crazy" and "normal" if possible. I've learned in group that these words are just not good to describe myself or anyone else.
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