My Bipolar I blog...my Wonderland.

November 2, 2010

2010-11-02T17:47:00.000-07:00

November 2, 2010

I haven't written in a while because I just felt like I was not going anywhere with what I said.

But I feel the need to keep up with my thoughts today.

I have been feeling very manic lately. Trying to control the mania is becoming a full time job. Are the pills not working anymore? I don't feel like I did before the pills, I still feel like I have some control... but I am slowly losing that control.

I am paranoid. I know I am. I know the paranoia is getting worse. Is this a symptom of Bipolar or of something else? So many websites say it is... and then so many say it isn't. Where is the truth. How do I stop this? I feel the paranoia all day long but it seems much worse at night. Racing thoughts all night. Never ending thoughts. Most times I wish they would just shut up and leave me alone. I'm trying so hard to get to an even level and these damn racing thoughts are not helping. I've looked up how to stop paranoid thoughts and haven't had much luck. Is this what my life is going to be like? I was just begining to think I was normal. A feeling I hadn't had in over a decade. Now I'm back to thinking I'm crazy. Not using the word lightly... really crazy. Taking deep breaths... not helping. No TV when I sleep... not helping. Medication... not helping. There has to be an answer out there.

September 19, 2010

2010-09-19T19:59:00.000-07:00

September 19, 2010

Yesterday was a rough day. For some reason from the time I woke up I felt like I was having an anxiety attack. There was no reason for it either. I wasn't stressed out and there was no outside influence to make me anxious. I felt the same way I do when I am standing in line for a ride at Disney and a bunch of people start crowding around me. It was bad. I made it through going to the mall but being in the elevator just about drove me up a wall. I took a 2nd Zoloft and that took the edge off but didn't take away the feeling all together. Eventually around dinner time the feeling went away and I felt instantly better.

Today was a better day but I did have manic moments where I would snap off about something but nothing too big.

I'm really anxious about the upcoming Disney trip. I think seeing my nieces will make me feel a lot better. I feel very guilty about not seeing them more often. Luckily now that I am working I will be able to afford to go up and see them more often. It does make me happy that Melanie is able to go with my mom to see Tricia, Cat and my nieces.

September 18, 2010

2010-09-17T21:23:00.001-07:00

September 18, 2010

I haven't noticed any difference on the Zoloft yet. Dr M said it could take up to 2 full weeks to notice the full power of it. I have noticed the side effects. I constantly have a dry mouth and my desire for food is pretty much gone. My throat actually hurt today from being so dry and I couldn't seem to make it go away. The side effects of the Risperidone are still there but getting better. I guess I don't hate it anymore, just the idea of it.

I have been feeling like there is a manic episode coming. I feel it inside. It's not coming out, which is great, but I certainly feel on edge the last couple of days. I don't think it has shown though. I'm going to have to do some research and discuss it with the group to see if this feeling is unusual or not.

"Wonderland" (my brain) is doing the same old things. Lots of racing thoughts. I feel constantly at battle and in struggle with it. Too many thoughts. Thoughts about anything and everything. Nothing harmful or unpleasant but nothing pleasant either. I'm wondering when that stops... or if it ever will. I'm not seeing things, or at least I don't think I am. I don't seem to see the little things that aren't there anymore. That's a bonus.

Craig went to the dr the other day (to dr M). He has severe depression. Mostly environmental. I kind of envy that. Depression (although awful enough) can be made better. I think I am having such a hard time knowing that my mental illness is forever and will more than likely get worse instead of better. Managed under drugs but I'll never be able to be off the drugs. I've heard of the people who feel they are getting better so they go off the meds and then have full blown hypermanic episodes. They didn't get better... the meds were just doing the job they were made to do. I hope I never feel as if I can get off the meds. I know I can't. Ever. I'm sure it will soon just become a part of my daily life but for now I feel like it is overwhelming me. Being Bipolar overwhelms me. But I am so thankful that I have a label of what it is now. I haven't had an episode in a few days. That is a blessing. But I know it's a waiting game. It's a "how long until the next episode" game.

I'm still sorting through what is a trigger for a hypermanic episode for me. I know that one of them is when I feel someone is not defending me in a conversation. Another is being compared to someone else. There are a list of them but most of them do not happen day to day. Noise is one of them. Noise bothers me still. Too many noises really drives me up a wall. But silence is not an option for me. Silence makes the arguing in my head seem louder. Much louder.

The urge to drink is still there... big time. It's just so odd to me, especially since I am not a drinker. But I constantly crave a drink... but not just one... several. It's really driving me up a wall. I keep trying to tell myself that it's only because I can't drink that I want to drink. Drinking on Bipolar meds is bad. Very bad. It can trigger a hypermanic state that can last for hours or days. I keep reminding myself of that. I sure as heck hope this phase passes soon.

I've been trying to avoid saying "crazy" and "normal" if possible. I've learned in group that these words are just not good to describe myself or anyone else.

September 15, 2010

2010-09-14T21:29:00.000-07:00

September 15, 2010

Meeting night!!!! I had to miss last weeks support group because Melanie was sick. Boo to that!

I guess I missed a lot last week. (remember these are only nicknames b/c I can't give out real names) "Walk-out" had her boyfriend come last week! How wonderful. She says it made her relationship better. What a blessing :) A new member "Wife" joined our group last week. Her husband came with her. He is the one with the mental illness... she is his support.

This week was a good meeting (mostly). "Wife" came alone. She is focused on helping her husband even when he is not able to make it. Apparently he was drunk. Not good for a mental illness patient. "Car" brought her husband tonight!!!!! He finally made it here from Texas with their son!!!! "Car" seemed kind of glowy tonight because her hubby was there. "Car"'s mom was watching their son so it was a little odd not having her their. She is a wonderful lady who always thanks group members for sharing stories. "Car" has now been riding in the back seats of cars that have a child lock on them so she won't (or can't) jump out. It's not getting any better but she says she feels safer in the back now. Progress???

"Homeless" was moved into a mens shelter :) He says it's better than the hotel except all the rules you have to follow. He seemed a little happier tonight even though he says he has been more manic and panic-y lately.

A gentleman joined our group tonight (doubtful he will be back next week). He started off by ranting that he is just looking for a place to fit in. Yay! We love outsiders!!!! Oh... but he doesn't have a mental illness... um... wrong place dude! He kept quiet most of the night until the end. A young girl and her mom were talking about their week and he chimed in that we are ALL starting our stories from the middle and he wants to know the 1st chapter (???) and he advised that she go off her meds and maybe take a look at her home life to make herself "better"!!!!! "Wife" was done with him. She let him know that mental illness isn't something that is environmental... but... mental. Then he started in on how something had to make each of us the way we are and that doctors are only trying to make money off of us and blah blah blah. I finally had enough too. I asked him how he thought mine was environmental?? I come from a good family, good parents, good sister, I have been given almost anything I have wanted in life, I'm educated, working, a good parent, no drugs, no alcohol, no lazy-dazy sex and for the most part I have a great life. How did all of that "make" me have a mental illness? I told him that I have had this since birth. Misdiagnosed as a child. Told to calm down, sit down, too hyper, talks to fast, insomniac.... all to find out at 33 I am Bipolar. I asked him to explain 33 years of bad choices (not usually made with an all there mind). He just sat there blank looking. Everyone else clapped. I wasn't looking for people to clap, but they did. How dare he make the assumption that I can control this without my meds. This was literally the last moment of the meeting. Scott called the meeting at 830 and we all started to leave. Scott (I can call him by his name because he is our leader... not a patient) said he was sorry I couldn't speak more. No biggie. I got a lot out of listening tonight. :) "Walk-out" made progress this week!!! She was able to recognize a panic attack coming and was able to leave the situation with no freak out!!! Yay for her!!!

I went to the doctor today. I told him I like the changes on this dreadful medicine so he left the dosage and Mg's as is. He added Zoloft for my newly diagnosed SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder). It's odd... but I didn't know it had a name until a few weeks ago. Luckily this one is a disorder and not an illness!!!!! ha ha ha. I am hoping that the new medicine takes the edge off social situations and I can start enjoying myself again. I told him that aside from the SAD I do get panic attacks. Mild to moderate ones... but they are getting worse with age. The Zoloft should help with that too. So... I'm 2/3 into a Bipolar cocktail. The new med can be used to treat depression but not typically with Bipolar depression. So if I do ever need an anti-depression pill, I will have to take something else. That would complete my cocktail. There is certainly no drinking alcohol now. But I still want to. A lot.

My side effects are getting annoying. I feel like my body is the Willy Wonka factory! Every few days it's something new and silly or unusual. I gained back some of the weight I had lost. Boo. But I am going to start back on cutting back on food again. My chest has gotten bigger... that would be a bonus if I wanted a bigger chest... but I was happy before hand. Hmmm... maybe that will go away too.

I can't wait until next weeks meeting. Sad, but I look forward to them now. I'm part of a group that most people don't understand... but I'm happy there and they seem happy to have me there. Yay for group!

Disney trip is coming up in a few weeks. Excited beyond belief. Can't wait to see my nieces!!!!! We are going to MNSSHP and I hope the new anxiety med will have kicked in by then. Not too sure how "well" I'm going to be with the crowds and the costumes. Should be interesting... last year was overwhelming but I made it through!

Side note... Crazy is a bad word. People shouldn't use it to describe other people. It's offensive. I used to not think so... but now it irritates me. Just sayin'.

September 6, 2010

2010-09-06T20:01:00.000-07:00

September 6, 2010

Trying to cope, still, with taking this second pill. The pill makes me so tired that if I sit for too long I find myself falling asleep. Not good. It takes about 4 hours for the sleepiness to go away. It's not bad if I work because I keep busy and I don't seem to feel the sleepiness as much but I do get groggy.

Pretty excited that my sister and her family are coming down to Disney in early October. I haven't seen my nieces in MONTHS!!!!! It's amazing how much you can miss two people who are so very small. It will be fun to be at Disney with them. Few things are more fun than Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party :)

Very happy that my support group is tomorrow night. I wish it were more often. I feel very comfortable with the "regulars" who attend. It's nice being able to talk so freely and not feel like you are being judged or having to try to explain how you feel. They already know how I feel because they have been through the same thing.

My joint pain has pretty much gone away. Such a bonus!!!! I don't feel nearly as weak as I did last week so I guess my body is getting used to the medicine. I am starting to get other side effects which are just as unpleasant and they all seem to come in waves so I guess it could be worse.

Melanie starts the after school play ground time tomorrow. She will be at school an additional hour and a half on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I hope she has fun, of course she LOVES being on the playground so I'm sure she will. Guess I will find out tomorrow.

September 4, 2010

2010-09-03T21:41:00.000-07:00

September 4, 2010

Long day. Started with an argument with mom but that eventually turned into a nice conversation. Picked up the Lovebug and we headed off to EPCOT for the evening. Thank goodness there weren't a ton of people there. The lines were minimal and we pretty much got right on to every attraction we went to. Melanie loved Captain EO and I felt like a kid watching it. No crowds meant no anxiety attacks!!!! There was a point while we were waiting for the firework show to start that I felt the anxiety creeping up on me. We were in a very popular spot to watch the show but I made a point of getting there a hour early to get our seats. When the crowd started showing up I just pulled the stroller behind me so that no one else could get too close. That helped a lot more than I thought it would. I still felt anxious but not to the point where I had to leave. I'm pretty sure the dr will prescribe me an anxiety pill when I see him again. Including the medicine I am on now, that will be 2/3 of the infamous Bipolar cocktail. I wonder if he can give me something to MAKE me go to sleep. I'm getting rather tired of being tired. I used to be able to cope with the not sleeping but now with this medicine I am just grumpy because I'm not sleeping enough. Reading doesn't usually help because it just irritates me to no end! I constantly have to go back and reread a page so then I just lose interest. Going to try and get some sleep. It won't work... but I'm trying...

August 31, 2010

2010-08-31T22:21:00.001-07:00

August 31, 2010

3rd DBSA group meeting tonight. It's easier to go now since I know my friends and they now know me too. Interesting people. I don't think that any of us would ever really be friends with each other unless it was for this support group. They are not bad people but we all run in different circles and I doubt our paths would ever cross if it weren't for our meetings. Scott wasn't there tonight so Tony led the meeting. Oh boy! He sure talks a lot!!!! There were 2 new people tonight. One woman in her early 40's and a younger man who had his mother with him. He was highly medicated and I assume he usually is. I can't use names so I will give everyone nicknames if I ever talk about them. The meetings are so good. Knowing that there are others out there who are going through what I am is amazing. I have a group of people who don't think I'm odd or different because to them... I am the same. We all have the racing thoughts. Crazy odd racing thoughts. Thoughts that, even with meds, we can't shut off. I was really hoping that the meds would silence these hated thoughts but it doesn't. I can just see and hear them more clearly now. My dreams are still pretty bad and very vivid. I guess they are getting better but not too much. I've been having the urge to drink lately !?! What is that all about??? I'm totally not a drinker but the cravings are there. I have to constantly remind myself that I am NOT allowed to drink on this medication. It can trigger a manic episode and that would not be good. If I do decide to drink in the future it will have to be in a safe environment. I couldn't go out to dinner and drink... that would be careless and I am trying to avoid that.

I'm trying to overcome this insomnia. It's getting pretty bad again. I find myself up all night (hint... it's 1:32am right now) and not getting enough sleep again. I know I need more sleep but habits are hard to break. I always thought of myself as a night owl... but now I know its insomnia. I want to sleep but I can't. It sucks.

My episodes are fewer... I think. I'm still having them but I do think they are getting better. I'm pretty sure I'm in a mixed mode right now. Depressed because I'm not working full time this week but manic because... well... that's who I am. This medication really makes things clearer. Not always in a good way but at least I don't feel like I live in a cloud now.

Is there hope for me??? Who knows. The anxiety is starting up again. Too many noises. Too many people. Too much stuff around me. Noises seem to be the worst right now. More than one noise and I'm done. I hate silence but I can't take all the noises right now. Most of the noise comes from Wonderland (my brain). Wonderland can't be shut off and when you add more noise to it from the real world I go a little bonkers inside.

The real world??!!?? It does exist. It seems less real than Wonderland but that is because Wonderland never stops. The real world eventually goes to sleep. It's amazing how much safer I feel in Wonderland compared to the real world.

I feel like ever since I was diagnosed things have become better and worse all at the same time. Better because I have a label. I know why I am different and I know there are others, like my support group friends, who are different just like me. But worse because I know what this mental illness is all about. Heck, just knowing you have a mental illness falls under the worse category!!! It is worse because I hate my meds. It is worse because my Wonderland is clear now and I can see how messed up my brain really is. Worse because inside I am screaming and crying and trying to be normal but I know on the outside I never will be. Worse because I now know there is a reason behind the way I have always been and I wish I had been diagnosed years ago. Maybe I would have kept a job or friends or relationships. I try to only look ahead to the future but the past is right there and it's hard to avoid.

August 21, 2010

2010-08-31T22:20:00.002-07:00

August 21, 2010

I had to leave work early today. I had to have my mom call in and pretend there was an emergency. Ughhhh. I skipped my pills yesterday and I felt really good. I took Melanie to Disney (Magic Kingdom) and we had a really good time. It was the first time in a long time that I wasn't angry about everything. I started getting a little panicked a few times, mainly because of the large amount of people there. At the end of the night we went to The Laugh Factory and as more people came in I felt the uncontrollable urge to get out. I finally had to tell Melanie that I needed to use the potty in order to get us out of there. Once we were out I felt a tiny bit better and it helped that we took the time to watch the SpectroMagic parade. That was nice and calming and really fun to watch. We went to the Emporium to get some postcards and a little present for Melanie and the panicky feeling came right back. Lots of people. The older I get the worse it is for me with a lot of people. I never used to be this way... but it is certainly getting worse. I need to talk to the dr about that.

Today I took my pill in the morning (which is why I assume I have awful joint pain again). Felt better and then a few little things happened and I felt myself getting to the way I used to be before the meds. It was awful. I'm glad I work alone (basically) because I know I would have blown up at someone. I texted my mom to have her call in and make something up to get me out of work. Luckily it worked. Once I got home I started feeling better. I snapped at Melanie twice but controlled it because I knew tonight would be bad.

The joint pain in my hands are bad again. I feel like I have lost some strength in them... thats not fun. It's hard for me to get a grasp on things and to open certain containers. I feel like I have the hands of an old woman!

I'm on my period which is never fun. I am hoping the few pounds I have gained back will disappear after I get over my period.

August 19, 2010

2010-08-31T22:20:00.001-07:00

August 19, 2010

I went to my first support group Tuesday night. Odd.

August 16, 2010

2010-08-31T22:19:00.000-07:00

August 16, 2010

Mom just left for a few minutes. We've been "fighting" since I got home this morning. She finally passed the limit.... she threatened to have me committed. There it is. Less than 2 weeks and she found a way to throw it in my face. Nice. Well done! That ends it. No more confiding in her. I told her about my fear of being hospitalized one day and boom... it is thrown right in my face. She even said "isn't that what you're afraid of". Yep. Sure is. I will be going to my support group alone. Not sure what I am going to do with Melanie but if she is going to throw my fears in my face then she does not belong in a support group with me. Lord knows it will just give her more to hold on to and eventually just throw in my face. I have no one to confide in now. No one. The one person who I trusted has broken that trust. This is not good.

August 13, 2010

2010-08-31T22:18:00.002-07:00

August 14, 2010

It's the 2nd day for me taking 2 pills a day. I only thought I didn't like the pills once a day... twice a day sucks pretty bad. Not only am I still having weakness and joint pain but now with the 2nd pill I can't seem to find any motivation during the day. I feel very lop-sided. It's very depressing to feel that way. My mom has been very good about listening and has been supportive. I feel bad that I have to burden her with all of this but I don't have anyone else in the world to talk to. It's hard admitting to her how I feel. I think it's eventually going to freak her out or something. I feel like I need something but I don't know what it is. It's like trying to remember what you were going to say right after you forgot it. I keep searching my brain for what it is that I need but always come up empty handed.

I keep hearing the new George Strait song. It's about not living life for the breaths you take but for the moments that take your breath away. My dad really liked George Strait. I never did until my dad passed away. Odd, but now I hear his songs in a new way. This particular song always gets to me. It's about a father who knows what life really is all about and teaches his son the lesson about moments that take your breath away. At the end the dad shows up to the hospital when the son and daughter in law have their baby even though the son told him it was okay not to come. The dad knew, somehow, that the son really did need and want him there. Then, after his granddaughter is born, the sons dad takes his last breath and the son finally realizes that what is dad has been saying is true. I think I like the song because it reminds me of my dad. I know how uncomfortable (physically) my dad was the day my daughter was born... but he was still there. He and my mom were the first ones (besides me and Dylan) to meet Melanie. That's big. Then a few years later in the same hospital my dad took his last breath. It's strange how you can love something so much and hate it all at the same time. That's how I feel about that hospital. I love it because my beautiful daughter was born there but I hate it because my dad died there.

I've been thinking a lot about my dad lately. Guilt is a powerful demon. There is so much guilt in all of us. I think "what ifs" take over too much. He was such a good man and truly loved and adored Melanie. It was like they were made just for each other and then he was torn away from her. Her memories of him are few and far between now. I'm sure the older she gets the more he will become just a polaroid memory. Someone we all talk about and tell her about but nothing that is really her memory. That's a real shame. I've always thought that the only other person who loved her as much as me was my dad. When he was in the hospital there were times when I had to bring her up to see him just so she would eat. I tried not to let anyone know about that (except Amanda) because no one needed to take their focus off of my dad. His last meal was Chicken and broccoli. Melanie ate most of it. He seemed happy that she ate his food.

Why him? I miss him so much. He's always been the fixer. He would have known what to say about my Bipolar. He would be the one to sit with me after mom and the baby go to bed and help me through it. I need him here. I need to talk to him and hear his answers. I need him to explain things on How It's Made. I need him to tell me to back off. I need him to just be here with me again. To sit there late at night watching mindless TV talking about things that no one ever talks to me about. I need to know about my Uncle Tom who my mom and grandmother adored. I need to know how Tricia and I are the same but different to him. I need to know why a racer does what he does on the track. I don't have these answers and so many many many more. I can't fix a light socket. I can't fix a million other things and as much as I try, I can't fix me. Life is the most unfair hand anyone has ever been dealt.

Melanie and I are going to Disney next Friday evening. I'm excited but worried. So many noises and so many people and so many lights. Lots of things to kick off any number of triggers that I have. Mom can't go because she has a prior obligation. I hope the crowds aren't too bad because I'm so afraid of standing in line. I really hate it. I hate being squished in with strangers and a 4 year old. I'm sure it will be just fine... I hope.

I got to watch Melanie video chat with her cousins tonight. Good times. I swear Riley looks like she is 6 years old!!!! So tall and so beautiful. Logan is amazingly tall too! No doubt she'll be taller than Melanie in a few more years. It's neat to look at all 3 of them. So different from each other but so much the same. Logan is (I think) going to be the comic relief of the family. Riley should run for office. She has the gift of gab and explains things very well. She sent a picture to Melanie not too long ago. I was shocked!!! It was stunning and beautiful. She's a real artist. Well above her age range. Here I am trying to get Melanie to put the ears in the right place on a picture and Riley has just blown her out of the water. I guess Melanie didn't inherit her ability to draw from me :) But Melanie sure has some amazing talents of her own. Her vocabulary alone is well above any kid I have met. That makes me happy. Words are expressions and she certainly can express herself. She has a real gift for puzzles too. She can sit down with a new puzzle (made for older kids) and have it done in under 10 minutes. Mathematical brain!!! Yay!!! She gets things quickly, kind of like me. No point in giving her instructions because by the time you are done she's already figured it out. I like that we are similar in that manner. I get a mathematical brain. I don't get a literary brain at all!!!

I think books need pictures. Odd topic, but I was told to write what comes to mind. Children's books have pictures, why not adult's books??? It's hard enough for me to sit down and read (sometimes I have to read a page 3 times because I don't get it the first couple of times....comprehension problem, maybe?) but to read with no pictures is torture. I mainly stick to magazines. Short articles with lots of glossy flossy pictures to occupy my brain. I do love The Number of The Beast by Heinlein. He's so talented at bringing his story to life...even without pictures :)

Melanie is worried about going back to school. She misses Mrs Roberts terribly and is concerned she'll never see her again. I've explained to her over and over again about how she gets a new teacher but she'll still be able to see Mrs. Roberts... but I don't think I'm getting through. I'm going to apply to have Melanie go to Berkely Prep next year. The tuition is crazy expensive but they are the best of the best. They have scholarships and financial aid so I am hoping that she gets in and she gets a scholarship. If she doesn't get either than we will go to Grace Christian starting in 1st grade. It's more local and goodness forbid if anything ever happens I can have Gladys or the Chiarilli's there in 2 minutes until I can get there or until mom can. Either one is a good school, but Berkely is my 1st choice. I'm nervous about the interviews, Mel can be a bit high strung :)

One more day of work and then I get a day off!!!!!! Yay!!!!! It will have been a week since I've had a day off. I need it, Melanie needs it.

August 13, 2010

2010-08-31T22:18:00.001-07:00

August 13, 2010

Not a good day. It wasn't awful but I couldn't shake the groggy feeling until after 4pm. Usually it wears off by noon at the latest but not today. I start on 2 pills a day today. I guess we will see how it goes. I really just hope it doesn't knock me for a loop... but I know I need the second pill. I snapped a little at Melanie tonight. Not as bad as usual but it's still not good. The big hopes for this next week is that the 2nd pill will take that feeling away and I won't have the episodes in the evening. Mom has taken a real strong interest in Bipolar. That makes me feel good. This isn't something to be over looked. It takes more than just the sufferer to get through this. I'm sure we will still have our ups and downs and I know she will never fully understand what I am going through but the fact that she is trying is really nice. We both have watched shows on Bipolar and I know she is researching it on the internet as well. I guess a "goal" for me is to not end up having to be hospitalized for this. I suppose that is a long term goal. The short term goals see harder. Take my pill(s) everyday. Make the conscience effort to realize my episodes and to try and stay calm during them. Another long term goal for me is to learn what my "triggers" are. There are millions of them so narrowing down my own will take time and patience on my families behalf. Once I know them I am supposed to try and stay away from them. Easier said than done for some of them. Triggers are what literally trigger an episode. Mainly I seem to have the manic episodes. The low episodes don't seem to come until after a few manic ones. It's like remorse for doing what I do. It's basically depression but in a different way. Low episodes for me last much longer than a manic one, but I really tend to have a weeks worth of manic episodes little bits at a time and then the depression sets in. It's not a typical depression in normal terms, but a self-loathing type.

Seeing so many people being hospitalized for this is heart breaking. I don't want to end up there. It may happen and it may not, but knowing it is an option is pretty intense. I think at times in the past I should have been. The hospital stays are for safety. They monitor every moment of your life and keep you safe when you need it the most. It's not a vacation, it's pretty hard on your body because they do tend to sedate you. I think (I hope) if that I were ever at the point again I would go willingly.

I've been talking to mom more about the family. It seems that my grandfather may have been Bipolar. From what she says he had the manic and low episodes. If only people knew more back then, maybe he would have been saved by medication. Not saved from passing away... but from himself. I'm not sure if its comforting or not to know that he may have had it but Bipolar is believed to be hereditary and that would explain my "link".

I have decided not to medicate Melanie right now for ADHD. We are not ready for that. I need to get myself in a calmer more level place before I can say that medication is a must. She has already shown signs of calming down a bit since I have started my meds. If I can level out maybe that will even her out a tiny bit. Knowing now that I was not ADD growing up pisses me off. I keep feeling like "why didn't someone catch this". It isn't an excuse or a way to place blame but I really think my life would have been much different if I had been able to work out my demons at a younger age.

The joint pain is still pretty bad. Today it was worse. I'm still feeling very weak. I barely made it through work today. I felt weighted down all day. I can only hope this passes soon. It won't discourage me from taking my meds (even though I still hate them) because I know, I can feel, that they are working.

I keep thinking about things I enjoy. Many websites tell you to picture what you enjoy doing and try doing those things when you feel you are having or have had an episode. But the more I keep thinking of these things the more I giggle that they are exactly how my mind feels to me. Racing... going around in circles at high speeds and never actually getting anywhere. Science Fiction... beautiful worlds filled with adventure and math. Disney... a place created on childish beliefs and fairytales. Animals... or as I call them, the innocents... creatures that are constantly at battle with outside forces just to maintain a breathing life force. Fashion... a "world" filled with colors and designs and totally bizarre ideas. Math... ah... math... my stable friend. It never changes. It is what it is and it doesn't apologize. It's a beautiful language filled with numbers, letters and signs that can only lead to one answer. Sometimes I think of math problems to do in my head while waiting on things. Nerdy... but fun!!!

Referring back to Alice In Wonderland, right now I feel that is the best way to describe my brain (and thoughts). My life prior to medication was Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Right now I have landed on the floor but am trying to get the combination of treat and potion to get me through the door. Soon I will find my way through Wonderland and all of its oddities and eventually (when I am level) will wake up right where I should be with the past behind me and a new beginning. But for now I have to settle with being an Alice or Dorothy and thats okay... because they were always the fun ones!!!!

August 10, 2010

2010-08-31T22:17:00.000-07:00

August 10, 2010

Still waking up feeling awful. I feel like its beyond a struggle to get up and get going. But I do wake up on my own now with no need for an alarm or having Melanie come in and wake me up. Sleep comes much faster on these horribly disgusting pills. They don't really knock me out because I can take one and stay up for as long as I want without too many yawns... but I can lay down and pretty much go to sleep right away, which for me is a blessing. My dreams are vivid. Awful. Flashy. Bright. Rough. I don't like them at all. I wake up a few times during the night but fall back asleep and luckily into a new and different dream. I seem to be waking up around 530am each morning hoping I can fall back to sleep... and I do. I can feel the medicine wearing off during the day... usually around noon. I start to feel edgy. Misplaced. Unguided. Unhappy. Tonight I was over the top again. I could feel it but couldn't stop it. I was constantly snapping at Melanie and for no good reason. I'm trying to stop that... but can't seem to. It's kind of like when you start your car but you keep turning the key and the engine keeps squealing, but you don't stop because you just can't. I can't. But I try. I guess the good thing is, is that I am able to notice it now. I didn't before, not until it was over. Not until Melanie was in bed or my fight with my mom was over. But now I can feel it when it is happening.

I feel like I have a giant label on me. Not that anyone can see it, but it's like a neon sign above me that only I can see. It's sort of like walking around in shoes that are too heavy for your feet and the shoes are the Bipolar. I want to take them off and walk more freely, but they just don't come off. I guess I will eventually get used to the idea of having a mental illness but I don't see how. No one knows about it except me, mom, Tricia (I assume Cat) and Kerry. No one else needs to know until I know how to cope with this. How do you cope with this?????????????

I had a full day with Melanie yesterday. I tried to pack in as many things as I could because I had worked 7 days in a row. It was a good day. A very good day. I wore her out and actually had to wake her up this morning so that I wouldn't miss my few minutes that I do have with her in the mornings.

How did I ever make it through clinicals? I was so dang scared the whole time, every second of the day. I enjoyed it, actually I loved it. It was thrilling and I had a high all day from being in surgery. No one knew that inside I was on the edge every second of the day. Being responsible for someones life is huge and I miss it. I miss the fear, the joy, the high that only comes with being in an OR with a patient on the table completely vulnerable. Every second of every day I had the power that is too great to describe. How do you describe to your friends and family why there is such great joy in doing a Temporal Lobectomy?? They don't understand and there is no way to explain how amazingly powerful it can make you feel to hold parts of the brain that have been taken out to help the patient live a more normal life with Epilepsy. I can't wait to go back. I wonder if these meds will help with the edginess in the OR?

On Friday I start taking 2 pills a day. One at night and one in the morning. I know it will help even me out after noon (which seems to be my more manic time) but I can't help but wonder what the side effects are going to be.

On Tuesday (next Tuesday) I will go to my first support group over at USF. Mom is going with me. "They" say to bring a family member so they can better understand the illness and help you through it better. Honestly, I need someone there or I don't think I could go. I need to see other people who are "thriving" with Bipolar and the medications. I know it's a good 2nd step (the 1st being going to the doctor) but no one wants to tell a group of people they have a mental illness.

I keep thinking about what I am eventually going to tell Melanie. For now she doesn't need to know because she is way too young to understand. But someday I will have to tell her and that scares the daylights out of me. I think she can tell that there is something different about me already. I hope that when I do tell her she won't judge me. So much of this is for her.

I'm still very sore. Every joint in my body hurts and aches. Very typical side effect of the medicine. It's supposed to disappear within the first month or two. I feel physically weak too. It's very hard for me to pick the baby up. I hate that even more than the achy joints. I am also getting the constant hunger. I'm not eating anymore than normal but I always feel like I could eat whatever is put in front of me and not have any regret. I am also getting the emotional side effect. That one just sucks. I feel very hormonal 24 hours a day. Not in a bad way... but in the watching a Hallmark commercial and crying way.

I so badly just want someone to fix me. I know that can never happen and I know I have to stay on this medicine (and more than likely there will be more to come) otherwise I will have an episode. Episode?? That's a nice way of putting it. It's hard to convince yourself that things will be okay, especially when the annoying arguing thoughts in my head say otherwise. The "thoughts" are still there. It's almost like they are a separate person from me. They are a tad bit evil. Constantly in my head making me feel crazy (literally). I wish these pills made them go to sleep... but no luck. I hate these "thoughts" and they know it. I know it. I guess since I know it they know it... but they do feel separated from me. From my real self. My new real self. They have been different since I started on the medication. Not better and not worse, just different. But I still argue with them and they still argue with each other. If anyone could see in my brain they would see something that resembled Alice In Wonderland. All messed up, crazy, very backwards but very colorful and quite pretty. Nothing would make sense in my brain to anyone else, but to me it is very logical. My thoughts are like Alice. Displaced and searching for a way out but each route leads to another wacky misadventure.

August 9, 2010

2010-08-31T22:16:00.000-07:00

August 9, 2010

One week ago, today, I was diagnosed with Bipolar I. Pretty scary stuff, but knowing that there is a name for what I have and it is able to be "treated" makes it a tad bit less scary. I have known since I was little (maybe 5-ish) that I was different from the rest of my family. Dad was level headed, hard working, never minced words but always stood for what he believed in. He was amazingly creative (which I honestly believe I get from him) and knew a lot about a lot of things. He always seemed like a gruff man to those who would meet him in a social setting and would ALWAYS let my mom do the talking. I think deep down he knew that even though he was a strong man, my mom always kind of made him a stronger man. Mom has always been a social butterfly. She was/is your classic PTA mom and a bit of a stage mom too (but in the good way... never the over zealous crazed mom). Lots of fun to be around and a real sense of independence about her. She never has been one to need someone to hold her up... she does that pretty well on her own. It's not that she never needed my dad, she did and does, but she's always been good at doing things on her own. My sister is pretty much the same as my mom. Although, I don't think she really knew that until she moved out of Brandon. She's always had tons of friends and excelled at most things that she really wanted in life. She's good, really good, at being a stay-at-home mom. I secretly call her the "learning mom". Even though she's all about taking the girls somewhere pretty much every day... it's always a learning trip. She'll make a fine PTA president someday! She's a good mixture of my mom and dad. She's funny, smart, ambitious and has actually learned to cook foods that don't come in a box. Someone to most certainly look up to even though she rarely looks down long enough to see anyone below her. I don't remember much about my grandfather. I do remember our bond. I remember his eyes. He could look at me and I would know no matter what I had done (or was thinking about doing) he would kind of just brush it off. I remember he loved animals. He told me so much about so many different kinds of animals. Probably where I get my undying love of all things animal related. Even though my grandmother died when I was 16, I don't think I ever really took the time to stop and see her for who she was. Don't get me wrong, she was abnormally cool. The kind of grandmother you want to have. Smart too. She did the Sunday crossword puzzle in ink! I don't do crossword puzzles... too much fluttery stuff on one piece of paper. She, like my mom and my sister, was always involved in something. She was the kind of pretty that you want to be... beautifully tanned skin, dark eyes and an absolutely beautiful smile. I don't know much about my dads parents. My grandfather died before I was born and my sister and I were never close to my grandmother. And then there is me. Different is probably an understatement. It's hard knowing as a little kid that you don't fit in especially in your own family. It seems like most of my life I have been trying to get their approval but then I mess it up somehow. I never really felt good at any one thing. I loved softball and in my head I honestly believed I was one of the best ones. I knew I wasn't a Patsy, Rachel, Candy, Amy, etc... but I thought if they could add one more name to the list it would be me. Nothing shocked me more than when I was trying to decide between playing softball in high school or trying out for squad and I was talking to my dad about it. His answer was that the other girls would get to play more and I more than likely wouldn't make the first cut. I was devastated. Was it the truth? Maybe, but I never tried. Instead I was on squad. Not a bad thing... just different. I was one of the better ones with a flag and pretty descent in dancing (much to my own surprise), but I never had the passion for it like I did playing ball. I told him years later how crushed I was and he still held firm that I made the right decision. I could have (and should have) made co-head my junior year and head my senior year. I screwed up. I missed a practice that I shouldn't have. I remember Ms Fussell calling me out of class my sophomore year (towards the end) and telling me what a mistake I had made and that it had impacted choices she had made for the next years squad. I knew what she meant and she knew that I knew too. I took it with a grain of salt and had my own private pity party. Junior year when she announced there would be no co-head I thought...you never let anything go!!!! Not true (well, mostly). She still had me making up half time routines and competition routines during first period my senior year. I still had to teach and coordinate all movements. She always introduced me as her second in charge but she knew it would drive me crazy NOT to give me that title.

It's hard to describe what my mind has been like since I was little. Erratic, irrational, fluttery, half there. I have always gone from 0 to 60 in no time at all and then there are days where I literally couldn't drag myself out of bed. I can sleep for 10 hours and still be tired or I can sleep for 3 hours and feel more energized than ever before. When I'm happy... I'm overly happy. But when I'm upset I feel like there is no control in my head. There is never a way to predict how my day is going to go because something very small and trivial knocks me for a loop. I'm not sure if I've ever felt normal because I don't think I know what normal feels like. I have known since I was little that I was good at making friends... just not keeping them. I used to be good in a large group of people (always praying they didn't single me out for anything) but I have never been good with one on one situations. I don't like being alone. Being alone means, to me, that my thoughts will get to me. I don't like my thoughts... I am constantly at battle with them. I hate them actually. My thoughts never leave me alone. They run ramped through my brain and sometimes make me like I wish I had an off button. They flash and beep and never ever stop. A lot of times I feel paranoid like someone is going to get me (or something I have). That usually goes away after having something for a while but my paranoia gets bad sometimes. I don't mind messiness. It should probably bother me but it doesn't. I kind of think it matches my brain... all messed up but I know where everything is if I need it. Sometimes I see things that aren't there. I guess they are hallucinations. They don't bother me either. You kind of get used to things like that when you've been this way for a while. Although, sometimes I don't know if they are real and CAN'T ask anyone because I hate the "you're crazy" look. I used to think I had a bad memory. Something would happen and when I was asked about it I would have no memory of it. Slowly afterwards I would. Almost like you cut a picture of it up and then start putting it back together little by little. Somethings I still don't remember, but I'm sure I've done them because I was told I did. I sometimes (more than sometimes) make my friendships out to be more than they are. Not always and never with guys, just friends. I know I'm doing it but then I start to believe it. I know I only have a couple of friends and I have to deal with that, but it makes me feel better when people think I'm like a super human friend! I can spend money faster than anyone I know. It's kind of like an addiction that you know you have but can't stop. I like spending money, it makes me feel better. I can't stand more than one noise at a time. It will make me bonkers. I pause sometimes in hopes that the noise will stop. It competes too much with my head. My thoughts are shouting at me to make it stop and sometimes I can't. I just can't.

People won't get this. They can't. They don't have arguing thoughts or irrational fears. They have normal lives. Normal thoughts. Normal fears. I so badly want to be one of those people. I want to enjoy what is good and get past what is bad in life. I want to be normal. I won't be... ever. I have a mental illness. They gave me pills. Pills that I hate. Pills that I know will eventually help me lead a more normal life. But I have to take them the rest of my life. Not until this goes away, not until I feel normal, not until the thoughts stop screaming at me, not until the messiness that is my brain organizes itself... but the rest of my life. I hate Bipolar. I hate my DNA for that one little second when it was forming my brain that it lapsed and something got all messed up.